Lighting The Fire

"It is God Himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago He planned that we should spend these lives in helping others."

Ephesians 2: 10

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but in the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven."

Matthew 5: 14-16

I write for a living. Though I did not always plan to spend most of my days married to anything that serves the purpose of a keyboard and a monitor, I've been doing this long enough to claim that yes, I have indeed been given a tighter grasp of (or maybe it's just a more stubborn never-give-up attitude towards) putting words together than most people, and that I have done my part in putting such an ability to good use: thus the constant byline in countless publications, the occasional reader mail peppered with words of appreciation, and THAT somewhat illustrious "title".

I love my job, and the people closest to me can attest that I am most excited when I find myself turning seemingly incoherent thoughts into a string of words that manage to make sense; I live for that minor sense of enlightenment. To be able to put order into the chaos that usually crowds my brain by putting it all in words that are easier to understand--this is what keeps me on my toes, spewing out articles and essays about anything and everything I focus my interest on at a given time. I've written about the mundane, the superficial, the skin-deep. And then there are the emotion-driven pieces that have come about because of a spillover of feelings from either side of the spectrum. A couple of years ago I would've told you, without batting an eyelash, that I've written about everything there is to be written about--from the arguably useless to the supremely relevant--but today, even after hours and hours of looking for just ONE article I've written that can define the real importance, the real purpose of MY writing, I am at a complete loss.

I am slowly realizing that in the way I've chosen to use this talent, I have alienated its very source. I have been too busy "putting this gift to good use" that I have successfully evaded the BEST way I could ever use it. I have yet to write about God.

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I was born into a deeply religious Catholic family. I spent thirteen years being educated in Catholic institutions, even more living life the way I always thought I was expected to live as a Catholic. I had God in my life, no doubt about that. And this was precisely why I was more offended that honored (which, looking back, I should have been) when someone I loved put me in a position of reassessing my relationship with the Lord. I felt like I was being tricked into admitting that I was less of a person than he was, and that my every move was being watched, every little slip-up a huge "A-hah!" chance to bring up my many shortcomings as a person in general. I remember thinking, "How dare you question me about God? I HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE!" It honestly pains me to think of how much I resented the insecurity the topic of "God" elicited in me then--it reminds me of how self-centered I was, thinking it was about ME. I had unknowingly allowed selfishness and pride get in the way of seeing that "having God in my life" meant so much more than praying regularly, attending Sunday mass, 'owning' a religion. It was never about merely having God in my life, not about the ability to fit Him in my schedule and having the awareness that He can answer my prayers when I need Him to--it was about living my entire life, every second of it, with Him, and knowing that it's never about what He can do for me, but what I can do FOR Him.

It was (and is, everyday) a struggle, getting to know more about God and constantly redesigning my life and my decisions around Him. Initially, I'd beat myself up over seeing change in my life, feeling frustration creep up every time I find myself falling short of the ideals I've learned God wants us to become. But it's amazing how God always finds a way to give me that reassuring pat on the back, whether it's in the form of an inspiring verse I come across when I read my Bible, a few words of wisdom from the pastor speaking at service, the fruitful interaction I have with my D-group friends, or the kindness and patience of the same person I resented (now with so much remorse for the mistake and appreciation for loving me that much to help me through my journey) not so long ago for trying to bring me back to the Lord.

There is always something new to learn about Him and how He works in our lives--that's one thing I know for sure. I think that once we ask Him to come into our lives, the journey only becomes more exciting: there are new questions to ask (not of doubt but of pursuit of Him), new ways to live His Word (which are not always easy), and a need to SERVE, which I'm very much experiencing now. It's challenging, and admittedly, quite scary, to figure out how the Lord intends to use us while we're "on assignment" here on Earth. But without a doubt, I know it will be worthwhile.

THIS is part of my journey: my own questions, my pursuit of the truth that I hope will also be useful in YOUR own journey to get to know Him. This is my commitment to serve Him with the abilities He has equipped me with, and will also be a reminder to myself to always, ALWAYS do my best in being the kind of woman He designed me to become. This is my long (and always ongoing) thank you letter to the people I love and look up to, the people who are walking with me and giving me the strength (and occasionally, the push) I need on this journey, who willingly share with me their own lives in Christ. And lastly, this is my chance to go above the person I've been the past years and become someone who doesn't only make readers smile, but make God smile, too. Father, this is for You.

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Starting today, I will no longer just write for a living.

I will write so that others may live in Christ.